Dear Quentin,
My husband and I are both in our forties with two kids. He doesn’t seem interested in financial matters at all. He doesn’t know the name of our mortgage company, how much our monthly mortgage payment is, or even our property taxes. He also doesn’t care about his retirement investments. I handle all the financial stuff.
When I asked him about how much we had saved for retirement and how well it was doing, he said he didn’t want to know. I manage his IRA and I buy and sell stocks for both of our IRAs. I’ve done very well with our retirement accounts and my return over the last five years has been 22%. I’m very grateful that I have the skills to take care of our money.
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I don’t like the fact that we are light years apart in this part of our lives, and it hurts me. For example, he thinks I am too materialistic. I consider this wise management. I am really afraid that if I am not there, he will not be able to manage the basic needs of daily life for himself and our children. What should I do?
The STEM Woman
Dear STEM,
He’s lucky to have you. And I’m sure the reverse is true, too. Some people don’t cook. Others are lazy when it comes to housework, even if they can go for a 10-mile hike on the weekend. One partner won’t want to talk about their feelings, while another will distract their spouse by giving them a daily account of every moment of their day. It’s a game of chance.
You make sure to match your 401(k) contributions and invest in an IRA, keep an emergency fund for six to 12 months of expenses, set up tax-advantaged 529 plans for your children’s college education, put any extra money into a high-interest savings account or CDs to take advantage of interest rates above 5%, and avoid taking on debt.
You can’t change your husband, but you can manage your household finances like a science or math teacher would his students—by example. Financial avoidance is not uncommon. Spending money without thinking about credit card bills is obviously more dangerous, and it can also prevent a person from saving for retirement.
“Just as someone who hates flying will avoid airplanes, or someone who is afraid of heights won’t visit the Empire State Building, people who are worried about their money tend to ignore it,” according to Alliance Wealth Advisors“People whose job it is to help people manage their finances aren’t always to help them feel better. Their goal is often to sell products,” they note.
“We’re not retirement-focused robots,” Alliance says. “We all have different goals, needs, and desires, and the ‘right answer’ is different for everyone. Telling someone who wants to put their kids through college, start a business, or buy a home that they should save more for retirement isn’t helpful. It can also just create more anxiety.”
Each of us brings our own unique qualities and, of course, neuroses to our relationships, and our relationship with money is no exception. Confronting your husband about his lack of financial insight, or forcing him to read everything you have to say about your investments, is like shoving your dog’s nose up his nose to stop him from going to the bathroom inside the house, and would be even less effective.
If you were in a band and everyone played drums instead of one musician playing trumpet and another playing guitar or piano, it would be pretty noisy. The same goes for businesses and weddings: not everyone can play the same role. Your husband, perhaps because of the way he was raised, may feel anxious about finances.
Do some black magic
So what now? You’ve already done the most important part: you’ve stepped in and taken control, because that’s not something your husband is willing or able to do. He’s probably doing his job in other areas of the relationship. Your goal is to make sure you spend less than you earn, save for retirement, keep track of your bills, and enjoy life. Write it down.
You can do a little black magic, magic that will keep you in the dark and help your husband stay afloat if something were to happen to you. Frame your financial information in a positive light. “Great news, Larry! We have 20 years left on our mortgage. Even better, we’re now paying $2,000 a month instead of $2,500 because we refinanced in 2021 at 3%. Let’s celebrate!”
It’s the financial equivalent of dipping a Brussels sprout in chocolate. You can keep dipping it to keep him updated on other aspects of your financial life: “Guess what, Larry? You won’t believe your eyes! When we’re 50, we’ll be able to make money.” catch-up contributions to our 401(k), currently up to $7,300 per year. “Every little bit helps. Here’s a big bowl of delicious ice cream!”
Or, “Not only does our initial investment in the stock market make us money, but so does the interest we earned on that investment. That’s the power of compounding. Isn’t that amazing? We sit back and continue to build up funds for our retirement. This is called passive income. Why not earn passive income at the movies and go see that movie you’re talking about?”
Keep your accounts in colourful folders and make sure they are accessible. He may decide to look at them while you are away. This will also give him a road map for your finances if you become incapacitated or die. These files should include life and home insurance policies, bank details and standing orders.
You can also work with a financial advisor who can talk to you about your goals and dreams, what kind of lifestyle you want to have in retirement, and perhaps—given my macabre references to your husband outliving you or you becoming disabled—explore long-term care insurance options. It’s important to have serious conversations.
After all, there’s more to life—and financial planning—than butterflies and rosé.
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