Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter (who is a young teen) is starting to eat less and less. A couple of weeks ago she would eat three full meals a day, plus a couple of snacks. Now, she eats a couple of apple slices for breakfast and claims she isn’t hungry enough to eat more than a tiny portion of her dinner. At school, she supposedly gets school lunches, but for the past week or so, I haven’t gotten any notifications telling me she’s bought anything (her school uses an app system that alerts parents if their kid/s get anything). She rarely eats snacks.
I am worried about her. I checked her YouTube last night (she’s semi-aware I check her phone). Her watch history bursts with ‘diet advice’ and ‘weight loss goals.’ For reference, she is a healthy weight, but does look a bit chubby due to her being very short for her age (although I’ve never said anything about this to her). I’m unsure how to broach a conversation with her about this without making her defensive; all I want to do is help her.
—Weight Loss Isn’t Necessary, She’s A Teenager
Dear Weight Loss Isn’t Necessary,
You should gently confront your daughter about the changes in her eating habits and the things you’ve found in her search terms. Ask her why she feels she needs to lose weight; has someone said something to her, or is she merely comparing herself to other girls? Let her know that it’s okay to want to be healthy, but that she doesn’t need to skip meals or count calories (and remind her that she is at a healthy weight right now, and that no interventions are needed).
You can encourage her to embrace a balanced diet and to exercise regularly instead of depriving herself. Talk to her about eating disorders and how dangerous it is for young people to severely restrict themselves when they are still growing and need substantial amounts of food each day. Involve her in meal planning and help her identify good-tasting items that will fuel her body without excess salt or sugar—as well as some desserts and snacks to have as treats. The Intuitive Eating Guide for Teenagers features body positive tips for having a healthy relationship with food. Affirm her body and make sure she is exposed to media and books that feature characters of varying body types. Make sure that you don’t say negative things in front of her about your own body, or anyone else’s, for that matter (and definitely don’t tell her that you think she looks “a bit chubby”).
If she isn’t able to adjust to eating well instead of simply not eating, you should consider taking her to a therapist who treats young people with eating disorders; I’m not saying that she has one, but you don’t want to wait until she does to take action.
—Jamilah
