Dear Quentin,
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I am confused and, if I’m being honest, slightly taken aback. Part of me feels like this is a “Dear Abby” question, and the other part feels like it’s a Moneyist question because of the financial aspect to this dilemma, and because I have read your column regularly for many years and you give “psychological” advice in addition to financial advice. I don’t even know how to start or who to ask, so I’ll start from the beginning and I will ask you. Deep breath…
I had a lovely dinner with a man two months ago. He lives about two hours away. I live in a major city, and we had mutual work connections. We texted over that time, and he texted to say that he was coming to the city next weekend. I replied: “I’d love to see you and buy you dinner.” He was helpful with a project I’m working on and he bought me dinner the last time. I’m 50, divorced and independent, and felt good as a woman about being able to return the compliment.
There’s a big conference in town that weekend and hotels are expensive. He texted me flirtatiously to ask, “So will I be able to sleep on your sofa?” I hadn’t ruled out the possibility that it could be a great evening, and we could end up taking our relationship to the “next level,” especially as we have gotten to know each other a lot better over the last while. But as time went by, I felt increasingly uncomfortable and awkward with his suggestion.
Generous invitation
I replied, “I’m not sure about that, but I am looking forward to a nice dinner, and to getting to know you better.” That’s when the texts really ramped up. He said he didn’t want to drive for two hours and “have to spend $400 on a hotel room.” I explained that having a man back to my home who I have met once or twice, even to stay on the sofa, would be a lot to ask, and if we were honest such an invitation could mean more than just a guest on the sofa.
His response was even more bewildering. He said he was in his 40s and he didn’t have time to **** around. I can’t use the word he actually texted on your site. In other words, he is not going to drive two hours to the city for the weekend if he is not sure that we are going to be serious. I assume that he means he wants a commitment from me before we go for dinner. It all started with a generous (I thought) dinner invitation, but ended up in this weird place.
Is this an indecent proposal? Am I overthinking this? In all other ways, he is a fun and friendly guy. I thought his suggestion was a joke at first, but over several days and text messages came to realize that he’s not kidding around. It’s his way or the highway. If I say no, he will reconsider accepting my invitation. He’s handsome, successful, and has always seemed like a great guy. It’s a blow as he has always been friendly, warm and charming.
Single & Independent
Dear Single & Independent,
You gave him an invitation and he responded with an ultimatum.
He has always been friendly, warm and charming …until now. It’s easy to be charming when you are giving someone what you think they want to hear: romance, respect, compliments, time and attention. The challenge — and true colors, to quote Cyndi Lauper — comes through when that person wants something and they’re not getting what they want. Only when someone is tested do you really see what they’re made of. This is true professionally and personally.
You invited him to dinner, which I assume will also cost at least $150 or more, including wine and drinks, etc. In return, you must either agree to allow him to stay over in your apartment, or he won’t come. You are correct to assume that this is not just any overnight guest; you will both have consumed alcohol and you should both get to say when the evening ends. Boy, he must think he’s God’s gift to women if that’s his condition for driving two hours in a car.
No one likes to be told they have to do something, especially in a social situation — as I told this letter writer, who was invited by a friend to a concert at Carnegie Hall and was instructed to buy dinner days before they were due to meet. This is far more sinister because of the obvious safety issues (yours) and the obvious implication of what staying over in your home would mean. Your home is your safe space.
Classic gaslighting
He doesn’t have time to mess around, therefore you must have sex? That is classic gaslighting. This man is using your hope for a relationship as leverage to have sex, which is all the more galling given that you invited him for dinner. His twisted logic: A serious relationship involves sex, doesn’t it? In fact, it’s the opposite. If he doesn’t have time to mess around, as he says, he would take the time to get to know you, build a friendship and treat you with respect.
On a more sinister note, there is a coercive aspect to his ultimatum. If Mr. Wonderful thinks he is entitled to stay in your home on a second date, what other rules must he have? The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines sexual coercion thus: “One aspect of your life that you have complete control over is how far you want to take it with your romantic partner — whether that’s your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, or anyone you’re involved with.”
“You should never feel forced into anything that you’re not comfortable with or don’t feel like doing,” it adds. “Have you ever felt pressured by your partner to have sex? Have you ever felt guilted into it, or felt like you weren’t able to say no? Abuse is often centered on power and control in all aspects of the relationship, so it’s not uncommon that an abusive partner will try to force intimacy. This is often referred to as sexual coercion.”
Think about it: You finish dessert, pay the bill and then you are obliged to bring him home? What planet does this guy live on? The most important decision you can make in your life, personally and financially, is your choice of partner. I have a deep archive of letters from married couples, divorced couples, and couples who are splitting up; they all deal with unreasonable, bizarre and unacceptable behavior from their spouse or former partner. This one takes the biscuit.
Block and delete — and don’t look back.
.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
