Why Some People Seem to Be "Chronically Single"
"Chronically single" has become a trending term on TikTok and it’s not just a catchy phrase. Relationship coach Amy Chan, author of "Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart," says there are underlying reasons why some people struggle to find lasting love and stay single for extended periods. Through her experience coaching clients, she’s identified specific patterns that can be attributed to this phenomenon. Read on to discover these patterns and gain valuable insights into the dynamics of long-term singleness.
Key Takeaways:
- "Chronically single" individuals often have specific behavioral patterns that contribute to their relationship status, including saying "no" frequently, sabotaging potential connections, and avoiding putting themselves out there.
- Saying "no" excessively can hinder relationship development as it prevents potential connections from flourishing.
- Sabotaging relationships by seeking out unavailable partners is a common pattern that masks a deeper fear of intimacy.
- Individuals who are comfortable with being single may not actively pursue dating opportunities, perpetuating their "chronically single" status.
They Are "No" Oriented
Chan’s observations reveal that "chronically single" individuals often adopt a stance of saying "no" frequently. This rejection-oriented mindset can stem from a fear of vulnerability or an unyielding need for control.
"Something I’ve noticed with a lot of my successful clients is they just say ‘no,’… and they disqualify people before there’s any chance," Chan told CNBC Make It. "They have an idea of the person in their head, and it’s more about satisfying their ego than actually creating a meaningful connection," she explains. This pattern can lead to a missed opportunity for genuine connection, as individuals might focus on perceived imperfections rather than fostering potential.
They Sabotage Their Relationships
Another pattern Chan has noticed is a tendency towards relationship sabotage. This might involve choosing partners who are clearly unavailable, often due to underlying fears of intimacy or a desire to avoid vulnerability.
"A lot of the time, they will then blame the city that they’re in, or [say] that ‘all guys are like this’ or ‘all girls are like this,’ without really peeling back the layers of why they do it," Chan explains. Instead of seeking to understand the reasons behind their choices, individuals may attribute their relationship struggles to external factors.
"There’s an emotional experience that is your type, and it’s going to come in different packaging," Chan says. This emotional type, whether it be anxiety, unavailability, or another recurring pattern, essentially dictates their choices and prevents them from forming healthy, lasting relationships.
They Don’t Put Themselves Out There
Whether it’s prioritizing work over social life or simply not making the effort to meet new people, individuals who don’t actively create space for dating may find themselves "chronically single".
"There are a lot of myths about love and relationships that people think are true. One of them is that ‘love happens when you least expect it,’" Chan emphasizes. This misconception leads to a passive approach to dating, with individuals waiting for love to arrive, instead of actively pursuing it.
"It’s almost an excuse to not put themselves out there, because they’ve [become] so comfortable with being single," Chan concludes. This comfort zone can become a trap, preventing individuals from exploring new possibilities and potentially finding a fulfilling relationship.
Moving Forward: Breaking the Cycle
While being single doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem, understanding the patterns that might perpetuate long-term singleness can empower individuals to make conscious choices and break free from limiting beliefs.
- Embrace self-reflection: Examining your dating history, noticing patterns, and identifying your "emotional type" can provide valuable insights into your relationship choices.
- Challenge your beliefs: Addressing limiting beliefs about love and relationships, including the notion that “love happens when you least expect it,” can help you take an active role in your dating journey.
- Cultivate vulnerability: Opening yourself up to vulnerability is crucial for building meaningful connections.
- Expand your social circle: Actively engaging with new people, joining clubs, or participating in activities that align with your interests can boost your chances of meeting someone special
Embrace the dating process: Be compassionate toward yourself and the dating process. Treat it like an exploration, allowing yourself to learn and grow along the way.
Breaking out of the "chronically single" cycle requires conscious effort, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace the potential of new connections. Remember, a fulfilling relationship is a choice, and by understanding the underlying patterns, you can equip yourself with the knowledge to navigate towards fulfilling love in your life.
